Why I Coach

The truth is, I’m not always sure why I do the things that I do. I became a writer long before I began to figure out why I wanted and needed to write. I usually just follow my gut, go with what makes me really really happy (yes, emphasis on “really, really”)--with what feels right.

 

The same goes for teaching—or “coaching”, as I usually refer to what I do for people who need a little help getting started with their own writing. (I’m also not sure know why I like to call this “coaching”—maybe because coaches seem more accessible, less…I don’t know, “perfect”? I certainly don’t want to come off as someone who knows all the answers because, well, I don’t.) I became a writing coach without really knowing why it seemed important to me that I do it. All I knew was that it made me really, really happy—it just felt right.

 

I’ve learned to trust this feeling in me, this desire to do something. It doesn’t often make sense—at least, not in the way we’ve been taught “sense” is—but it’s the truest thing I know. To quote John Keats (and I have to say this, as a warning, that I looove quotes, as it would be pretty evident when you read through this site): “I am certain of nothing but the holiness of the heart’s affections and the truth of the imagination.”

 

I never thought I’d teach. I never imagined that I could know something well enough to teach it. (I still remember how, as know-it-all students, we’d roll our eyes at our teachers when they pretended to know what they were talking about, thinking that we actually bought into it. I never wanted to be in their shoes. Ever.)

 

But after listening to that “thing” in me (some would call it “inner voice”, others, “soul”, and still others, that big word—“God”) like an obedient child and the most dependable foot soldier for thirty-five years now--and NEVER ONCE REGRETTING IT—this is really the only thing I know well enough to teach, to pass on to people: That indescribable, seemingly nonsensical, child-like thing in us that says weird, impractical things like “I want to write a book” or “I want to invent something” or “I want to quit my job and travel” or “I want to design shoes/dresses/houses…” is real. More, importantly, it is trustworthy. It is more trustworthy, more constant, dependable, safe, loving, nurturing than even the best parents or the best husband or the best friend or the best, ehem, writing coach. It is this “thing”—this voice, this urge—that we should listen to and follow above all else. 

 

If this blog could reintroduce you to that “thing” in you (because you did know this when you were a child—that’s why you did all those crazy fun, joyful things and were never self-conscious about whether you were doing it “right”), help you re-establish a connection and maybe give you some tips on how you can sustain that intimate relationship, then it would have done its job. This blog would have earned its space in…cyberspace. And I would be a really, really happy girl.

 

I wish my reasons were more sophisticated. But the truth is...well, the truth can be surprisingly simple.    

GET INSPIRED! ;) Some thoughts about writing and creativity

"Writing is not like dancing or modeling; it's not something where--if you missed it by age 19--you're finished. It's never too late. Your writing will only get better as you get older and wiser. If you write something beautiful and important, and the right person somehow discovers it, they will clear room for you on the bookshelves of the world--at any age. At least try."
-Elizabeth Gilbert


"At last I understood that writing was this: an impulse to share with other people a feeling or truth that I myself had. Not to preach to them, but to give it to them if they cared to hear it."
-Brenda Ueland

"Read widely, read enthusiastically, be guided by instinct and not design. For if you read, you need not become a writer; but if you hope to become a writer, you must read."
-Joyce Carol Oates

"I believe anything that gets people to read is worthwhile. Enduring the snobbery of literati and being forced to read books we did not relate to is what turned so many of us away from books--in junior high, high school and later. I was one of those kids--I pretty much didn't read for pleasure through high school and college. In my early 20's, I had to re-teach myself the joy of reading, by starting with children's books and then young adult books and, eventually, adult books. Then I began writing school, at night, and was thrown right back into an environment that turns its noses up at anything but "fine literary fiction", which is a vague phrase that really means the genre of "contemporary domestic realism".
-Po Bronson


"The most difficult thing about writing is telling the truth."
-Sue Monk Kidd

"By nature human beings are seekers and one's art form becomes the vehicle for the quest. The nature and direction of each person's search varies but all of us seek meaning."
-Michael Rabiger

"I like to draw very much, and as a kid that's all you do in class all day. It's great. If you go to a kindergarten class all the children draw the same, no one's better than another. But something happens when you get older. Society beats things out of you.
I remember going through art school, and you've got to take life drawing, and it was a real struggle. Instead of encouraging you to express yourself and draw like you did when you were a child, they start going by the rules of society.
They say, 'No. No. You can't draw like this. You have to draw like this.'
And I remember one day I was so frustrated--because I love drawing, but actually I'm not that good at it. But one day something clicked in my brain. I was sitting sketching and I thought, 'Fuck it, I don't care if I can draw or not. I like doing it.'
And I swear to God, from one second to the next I had a freedom which I hadn't had before.
From that point on, I didn't care if I could make the human form. I didn't care if people liked it. There was this almost like drug-induced sense of freedom.
And I fight that everyday, someone saying, 'You can't do that. This doesn't make any sense.' Everyday it's a struggle. It's just a question of trying to maintain a certain amount of freedom."
-Tim Burton

"I write to know what I think."
-Joan Didion

"I believe that creativity is a living force that thrums wildly through this world and expresses itself through us. I believe that talent (the force by which ephemeral creativity gets manifested into the physical world through our hands) is a mighty and holy gift. I believe that, if you have a talent (or even if you think you do, or maybe even if you just hope you do), that you should treat that talent with the highest reverence and love.
Don't flip out, in other words, and murder your gift through narcissism, insecurity, addiction, competitiveness, ambition or mediocrity. Frankly--don't be a jerk. Just get busy, get serious, get down to it and write something, for heaven's sake. Try to get out of your own way. Creativity itself doesn't care at all about results--the only thing it craves is the PROCESS. Learn to love the process and let whatever happens next happen, without fussing too much about it. Work like a monk, or a mule, or some other representative metaphor for diligence. Love the work. Destiny will do what it wants with you, regardless. Just love the work."
-Elizabeth Gilbert

One Method for Writing a Personal Essay

1. Pick a quote that most resonates with you:

"Why is it that affirmation from your family always remains the one approval you never stop seeking?" - Robert Evans

"Dealing with money in our lives can feel terrifying. There is a great conspiracy of silence and shame with regard to money. We are involved in the same money system , yet we don't share our experiences openly or very often. We lie awake at 3:00 AM worrying about bills and have money triumphs alone. We are taught not to tell about, share or show the money in our lives." - SARK

"Can one say anything finally, with unqualified confidence, about any work of art--why it strikes a profound, irresistible, and occasionally life-altering response in some individuals, yet means very little to others?...We fall in love with certain works of art, as we fall in love with certain individuals, for no very clear motive." - Joyce Carol Oates

"I've had my moments of crisis, which have led me to study and argue with God, at times dramatically...Hasidism teaches that no heart is as whole as a broken heart, and I would say that no faith is as solid as a wounded faith." - Elie Wiesel

"As long as we have a divine Father who is able to create without a divine Mother, women's creative acts are viewed as superfluous or secondary. And as long as the feminine is missing in the Divine, men would continue to experience entitlement and women would be prey to self-doubt and disempowerment." - Sue Monk Kidd

"Do you really have to be the ice queen intellectual or the slut whore? Isn't there some way to be both?" - Susan Sarandon

"Sex is difficult; yes. But those tasks that have been entrusted to us are difficult; almost everything serious is difficult; and everything is serious. If you just recognize this and manage, out of yourself, out of your own talent and nature, out of your own experience and childhood and strength, to achieve a wholly individual relation to sex (one that is not influenced by convention and custom), then you will no longer have to be afraid of losing yourself and becoming unworthy of your dearest possessions." - Rainer Maria Rilke

"The greatest tragedy in life is not death but life. A life that fails to fulfill its purpose and potentials."

2. React to your chosen quote. Write down all your reactions. Let it all flow out. Allow yourself the freedom to be "wrong". DO NOT CENSOR. Do not worry about whether your grammar, spelling or logic is "correct". Do not try to "make sense"--not at this point.

Guide Questions:
What do you think of the quote? Do you agree with it? Which part? Why? If not--which part? Why? What personal experience are you reminded of?

3. Read through what you've written. Now pick a person whom you think will know or understand you a bit more if they read it (YOU DON'T HAVE TO ACTUALLY SHOW IT TO THIS PERSON. Simply imagine that this person will get to read it.)
Put yourself in that person's shoes. Revise your writing in a way that will help that person understand better what you are trying to say. Exert all effort to be clear. Check and recheck your grammar, spelling, your logic. Does it make sense?

Guide Questions:
-Does that person think like you? Do you have the same notion/perception of things? Do you share the same values, priorities? If not, how can you say what you want to say without making that person feel he's "wrong" or that you are "right"?
-How did you come about your notions of things, your values and beliefs (about Sex, Money, God, Family, Art, Death)? Did you learn this in school? At home? From church? From books?
-Has any person or experience challenged, tested or made you question these beliefs, values, perceptions?

4. Take a break. Watch a movie, get a massage, take a nap, hang out with a friend--anything that helps you relax. Make sure to move physically--take a walk, do Yoga, do some light stretches.
Don't return to your essay until after (at least) twenty-four hours.

5. Read your essay. Notice how it makes you feel. Does it feel honest? Or does it feel pretentious, self-conscious?
Pay attention to these feelings. At this point (and ONLY at this point) you can show your essay to someone whose opinion you trust. Ask for that person's honest feedback and be open. Make adjustments only if you agree with the comments.
If you have no such person in mind, bring out your journal and write down your thoughts about your essay. What do you like about it? What don't you like about it? Who amongst your circle of friends and family are likely to relate to it? Who are likely not to?
When it feels right, declare yourself done. No more feverish editing and revising. It's time to share your essay with others.
LET IT GO. There are other things to write and other thoughts to share.

6. Pick a new quote and let the cycle of creation begin all over again.


Important Points to Remember:

1st step/stage - Give yourself the FREEDOM to think, say, do what you want.
2nd step/stage - Strive for CLARITY and RESPONSIBILITY in your work.
3rd step/stage - Cultivate TRUST in the unseen forces of the universe (something higher and bigger than your own intellect). You are not in control. You can only have control if you let go of the results.

Throughout the 3 steps/stages, also remember to:
Be PATIENT with yourself.
Be mindful of the step you are in. Do not rush or skip a step/stage.
Relax. It's all good. ;)

These steps may be applied to any project or endeavor, not just for the personal essay. Don't tax yourself deciding whether a project or endeavor is "creative"; I believe that everything that we do with awareness--on purpose--is creative. So try it out.